Self-Reflect #1

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

(My everyday view after clinical round for cardio rotation)

Today's self-reflect : Always be positive in what life gives you.


Looking back, these past months have been hell for me. I've been diagnosed with severe depression and had to take antidepressants and antipsychotics that Dr. Salwa prescibed me like everyday because i just can't pretend that i'm okay anymore. I cant sleep every night and had to take medications for it. I hurt myself because nothing can help me feel calm other than the pain and the blood. Some days, i had to bump my head against the wall because i can't bear the pain in my head due to migraines. And because i keep crying every night that my migraines sometimes last for about one week. I missed many class because of my migraines and because i don't feel like going to class. I don't feel like doing anything. I've lost my faith towards Allah. I was at my end.

And all of this happen because i keep focussing on the negative things. I keep blaming that particular someone because he made my life this way. I live my life full of hatred. I pushed Allah away because I feel like whats the point of me praying everyday if all my pains didnt go away even a little. I feel like He didnt care for me, didnt listen to me, to all my prayers.

Then last week, i came across a video on twitter that made me realized there's more to life than what i'm feeling right now. That we are all blessed by different things in our life. As for me, I still have both my parents, my siblings, my friends, the chance to study abroad, to see another country, a nice home to sleep, delicious foods to eat, while others out there don't even have all that. And here I am, complaining about all the sleepless nights, all the pain, the tears, tired over everything and all when actually He has given me sooooo much just not in terms of what i want.

Im not saying that im all better now, but I can feel myself improved since last week because i dont need my medications to go through the day, i can laugh and make jokes without feeling forced to do so and its all because of Him. I'm really really grateful to You, for always, always always blessing me with more that i deserve and for not giving up on me. Please dont ever give up on me, Ya Allah. I dont want to ever be far away from You again so please pull me back in whenever I get too far away, Ya Allah.

To all my fellow friends,  "If you undergo something difficult right now or if you've been waiting for something to happen, why dont we flip the lens and focus towards what we already have because if we keep on focussing on things we dont have, that game will never end" - AA



I think that's all for my self-reflect today, see you guys in my next entry :)
(P/s : jangan kecam grammar teruk okay? Haha)

Open Up

They say,

"Go communicate with your friends openly abt your problems"

"If you have any problems, tell your friends"

"Try open up to someone"

Open up.

Open up.

Open up.

Kalau lah bercerita masalah kita pada seseorang (baca:friends as in good, best or wtv) sesenang 1+1=2, rasanya takde lah kes kes bunuh diri mcm tu. Tak ke?

Sebab apa ek? Kenapa dari 1+1=2 boleh jadi 1+1=4?

Pada aku, manusia ni tak lari dari rasa judgemental and selalu rasa they had it the hardest.

Ya, termasuk kau. Termasuk lah AKU. Semua sama.

And i admit, salah satu sebab kenapa aku hampir nak commit suicide beberapa bulan lepas disebabkan benda ni lah.

It's true kalau kita ada masalah kena luahkan. And i did.

I did.

But none of them really understand what i feel, whats inside my head.

Semua dok kata "apa yang kau nak stress sangat, kau ada semua. Result okay, boleh pergi bercuti, boleh shopping, apa lagi kau nak?"

Others plak end up cerita pasal diorang. Like i know orang lain banyak dugaannya. Jauhhhhhh lagi besar ujian dari apa aku kena. Aku tau. Aku tau. But for once, cuba dengar aku sampai habis.

Like i just want someone to actually hear me out without rasa judgemental ke apa.

I know tu mmg lumrah. For god sake i know. Aku sendiri pun bila orang cerita masalah, terdetik rasa nak judge, rasa yang aku 'kena lagi teruk' dalam hati but i tried my best not to. Aku cuba untuk dengar like macam mana aku nak orang dengar aku.

Tapi takde sorang pun macam tu. Semua luah masalah kat aku. Tapi masalah aku?

End up aku simpan. Simpan sampai satu masa aku takboleh tahan dah. Thats when it happened.

Benda mcm ni, orang lain tak faham. Serioushit.

Take chester as an example, even dia dah takde pun still ada orang yang blame dia. Kata dia selfish apa semua. Kata apa dia buat tak fikir orang keliling. Tapi orang keliling ada fikir pasal dia? Ada ke? And now that he's gone, baru orang nak sedar. Tak kurang jugak yg judge dia. If someone, just only one fucking person yang really really really hear him out, maybe...just maybe...dia still ada lagi kut sekarang. Tak ke?

"Go seek medical help"

"Pergi lah jumpa doktor"

For the past few months, aku memang ada terfikir nak jumpa psychiatrist. Sebab aku rasa aku macam dah gila. Sebab aku dah takde langsung rasa nak hidup tu. Sampaikan lintas jalan nak ke kelas pun rasa nak stay je tengah jalan tu.

Tapi aku semacam dah fobia dengan orang.

Even doctors.

Ntah lah. I've never met one. Aku just takut diorang pun macam orang lain jugak. And im afraid that will only make me feel more alone and awaken the 'end myself' thingy.

Kata orang belum cuba belum tahu. Mungkin diorang boleh faham aku. Mungkin.


I dont blame all my friends. Diorang semua baik and i love them. Their presence yang selalu buat lawak hambar pun menyumbang kepada warna warni hidup aku walaupun yang lebihnya suram hitam.

I truly appreciate them. Kalau takde diorg mungkin aku lagi teruk. Mungkin aku tak sampai pun umur aku sekarang ni. Mungkin.



Thank you for staying.