5th June 2020

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

So currently it's the 7th day of quarantine since i got back from Egypt. And i've been having mental breakdown as early as the 3rd day of quarantine even with Nin by my side. Imagine if i don't have Nin, it will be much worse. I must say i don't do quite well this time and today was the worst.


I tried so hard since the first day to hold myself together but today things just got really hard, i cant breathe, this heart wrenching pain that was always there just got intensified for no reason. It was really hard to get up from my bed this morning, but I try really hard to put my best face and do my morning dance workout with Nin, until I just can't pretend anymore. I cried. Kesian Nin :( she had to see me in my bad state. The side i hate anyone to see.


Every morning i woke up and look myself in the mirror, i will tell myself that i'm strong, that i can do this but today, i just can’t be positive as always, and i was literally begging myself not to break down but i failed.



I miss him. I miss Aliff. I miss my support system 😢



And as I cry, i called him. Hoping to just listen to at least a "Hello" from him to ease my pain. But he didnt pick up. Guess he hates me that much. Hm


And why i said that today was the worst?

Because i havent had any suicidal thoughts for two years plus since I have aliff but today it came back. I was literally at my lowest. I feel abandoned. I feel unwanted. I'm...lost. It hurts so much and as I stared outside my window, I thought to myself,



"Can i just jump from nin's balcony?"



I said to myself many times that ‘I can’t do this anymore’, and ‘i’m so damn tired :(’


But then I remembered how my Ibu always said she miss me and can't wait to see me after quarantine, how my sister was really excited planning to jog with me at tanjung when i get home, how my brothers kept asking when my quarantine will be over and offer to pick me up, and there's also my upin ipin niece waiting for me, and I cried even more. How sad they'll be and how shock it must be for nin if i did it. Thinking about all the people who care makes my heart breaks even more :(


I'm sorry but it's just that having Aliff made me feel alive. And now that he's gone Idk.... my life doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. I came back to be the me before Aliff which was a depressed human being with constant thoughts of ending her own life everyday. That's why i was so scared of losing Aliff. Losing Aliff means i'm losing myself again. It was pure hell.


But don't worry, i'm trying my best here not to kill myself. I have Nin. And Nin was really sweet today, she ordered snacks for me, I was so touched that i cried in front of her (Adoi malu je).
I'm so sorry Nin :( and thank you for today!

It's my birthday.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I'm turning 25 today.

And here I am crying my eyes out while writing this when it is suppose to be my happy day.

Idk.

I haven't feeling like myself lately. I'm unable to sleep, unable to eat, i don't feel like meeting or talking with my friends. I don't even know what i'm feeling. I'm not sad. Seriously. I don't know why i've been isolating myself and shutting myself out from everyone. 

Tbh, i'm not looking forward to my birthday at all. Deep down i hate it. Because if i wasn't born then I wouldn't have to be this messed up human being, my parents wouldn't feel ashamed having a messed up daughter, my friends wouldn't have to endure my breakdown everytime, and Aliff wouldn't have to be stress to give me all the attention i wanted. Right? I kept thinking that if i'm not here then everybody would feel happy.

This few months were the worst. But I try so hard to fix myself. I literally forced myself to eat this past few days because i'm afraid i might hurt my friends' feeling if they were to bring me foods for my birthday. I tried so hard but I don't feel like anything's changed. 

And I guess I've been pretending to be strong for so long that I cried today. 

I cried at a simple message from Aliff saying "Thank you for being born". I cried because while I'm hating my entire existence, my very existence is important in someone's life.

I cried because knowing how Najwa (my housemate) always rant that she didn't know how to bake, baked a Green Tea Tiramisu for my birthday (sedap!!).

I cried because how thoughtful my jiran bawah rumah bagi Nasi Lemak (my all time favourite food) for my birthday. Having a hard time shoving down a whole plate of Nasi Lemak (najwa tak nak tolong makan!zzzzz) but managed to finish it. haha

I cried too because of Suhana's long text message updating news about her and wishing me with all the goodness and blessings upon my birthday.

I cried also because my parents always with the cheezy birthday wishes, my sister always with wishes yang selalu nak mengenakan aku (she posted my singing video this year zzzz).

And to all my friends who wish me a blessed birthday. I couldn't be any more grateful to Allah than I am now for blessings me with all these good people in my life. My life sucks, big time, and I may have pushed you guys away too many times, shutting myself out, but know that I always try to fix myself everyday and knowing that you guys are always there supporting me, cared for me, comforted me in so many ways, I can't thank you guys enough.

It's been so long since I had a good cry because I'm happy. 

Thank you so much for this wonderful birthday. You guys made my day!

New problem?

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Quick question : If I were to see my psychiatrist after 2 years of ghosting her and not compliant to treatments plus having new problem now, am i gonna get scold big time? or knowing how 'ibu-ibu' she is, maybe she'll just look at me with those sad eyes, hug me tight like the first time?


Pretty much hoping for the first one tbh. Because I can't stand people looking at me with sympathy, in fact, i hate it. Feels like i've failed her which is true but lagi rela kena marah.


So,


Unfortunately,


I've developed unhealthy eating habits since September last year and i've lost quite a lot of weight ever since.


September 2019, 
I go a week or so without foods and only drink water but that was because i was sad and heartbroken. After i felt a little better, I do noticed I didn't eat as much as i eat before. More like certain days, i just don't want to eat. Well there's a lot of food at home yknow, and knowing me, the girl who eat at least 3 plates of rice in one setting, not eating that much is BIG, and for sure there's something wrong somewhere. The only one who noticed was my nenek, she kept asking me, "eh kau dah makan belum wa" or "eh sikit je kau makan" and dont know what reason to give i just said that i'm on diet. But then again, maybe its because i'm still sad inside that changed my eating habits. I lost about 7kg that month.

October 2019,
When I went back to Egypt i weighted about 69kg. Quite shocked myself because all the years i spent on dieting and my weight was never below 73kg *sad laugh* Then I thought to myself that alang-alang berat turun ni why not cuba reach my 50kg goals right? So I started to jog again to keep fit and to distract  myself from yeah (my depressed self) haha. During this month i noticed that I eat like i normally do but it was only for 1-2 weeks before my menstruation starts, and after that it was the same as in September, certain days of feeling not wanting to eat anything. If I remember correctly, it lasted for about one week, and afraid of having migraine due to not eating, I eat but only eggs. Told Aliff about my appetite changes but he ignored me. *sad laugh*

November 2019,
It was the same patterns. There's no significant weight loss in these 2 months because during the time i want to eat, I do eat a lot. And I ordered fast foods quite a lot too because I hurt my ankle this month and I cant go around jogging or anything so I spent my days at home -----> eating! haha

December 2019,
By this time the period of not having appetite to eat lasts about 2 weeks. Pretty sure i'm not sad or depressed or anything but I just didn't want to eat. But of course I do eat okay. Even if it just eggs. Dieting becomes easier now due to not having any appetite. And i'm not feeling terseksa or anything with what i eat because i only eat because i have to maintain my metabolism and to prevent migraines. My weight by the end of this month was 65kg.

January 2020,
The starting of 2020 was not good. I had my relapse. I'm unable to sleep for days and because of that I binge eating. And I can't jog to clear my stuffy head due to the cold weather and my painful hemorrhoid. It was hell. I cant even smile. Went to class with no sleep and not feeling like talking to anyone. Kesian my friends :(

February 2020,
I recovered from my relapse in late february. And because i binge eating quite a lot i went from 65kg to 68.5kg in one month and a half. (Too much mcd hahaha)

March 2020,
I don't know if i'm having another relapse or what but this time, the feeling of not wanting to eat anything went almost a month. I mean there are days where I got my cravings (before menstruation) but most of the time i just eat eggs and that's it (just to survive from migraines). I'm not sad...............seriouslyyyy..... or......maybe......just a little? Haha but i've been isolating myself alone in my room. I don't feel like socializing with my friends. I slept a lot. Like a lot...lot. And only eat once a day. My housemate asked didn't i feel hungry just eating once a day and when I do eat, I eat only omelette? Well, I do feel hungry, like hell, like my stomach will growls loudly asking for food but you know, I just don't feel like eating, that's all. By the end of this month, I regained my 65kg weight. And because i can't jog due to pkp things, i do workouts to distract myself from things that make me sad.

April 2020,
Well, things just got worse late this month. and I don't even know why. I've been sleeping most of the time. I give up doing workouts and eventually I give up on eating. I lose weight quite fast, 3kg in just 5 days. Woke up one day and just feel like fuck all this maintaining metabolism and shit, I'm so tired and I don't want to eat. So I didn't eat anything. But on the 4th day, i got severe migraine, feeling nausea all day everyday and been eating an apple a day just to fill my stomach with something. By the end of this month my weight was about 61kg.

Present day,
It's been 10 days since i eat like that. But it's not just apple, last week i do eat tiramisu and this week i eat steamed bun. Okay lah tu kan. At least i eat whattttttt. HAHA My friends all bising dah suruh makan but I just don't feel like eating anything heavy. I will soon though because I know it is unhealthy for me and I felt weaker and weaker each day and I hate having migraines everyday. I will eat soon but not for the time being lah. Tried forcing foods down my throats once and only to vomit it back. I hate vomiting so......slowly okay guys. But really, to think that i turned down Nasi lemak when it's my favvvvvooouuuurrrriiitteeeee food is really something haha.

Seriously, I don't know why i'm like this. I'm not sad and it's not about Aliff or anyone. My appetite just gradually decreased since september and I don't know why. And since september, i've lost 16kg already. And as much as i feel happy to lose weight, I do find it scary sometimes looking at my current body in the mirror. If this was some kind of self-harm to cope with my depression then it is the worst type of coping mechanism. At least when i cut my wrist or thigh, it didn't interfere with my health. And because i didn't eat that much, i didn't even have the energy to talk to anyone. Even didn't have the energy to put my best face and pretend to smile and laugh. Kesian my friends lah banyak kali ajak lepak but i refuse. Sampai ada orang ingat kitorg gaduh lagi haha. I'm so sorry for putting you guys in such situation. I'm sorry okay. I'll try to fix myself soon.