It's my birthday.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

I'm turning 25 today.

And here I am crying my eyes out while writing this when it is suppose to be my happy day.

Idk.

I haven't feeling like myself lately. I'm unable to sleep, unable to eat, i don't feel like meeting or talking with my friends. I don't even know what i'm feeling. I'm not sad. Seriously. I don't know why i've been isolating myself and shutting myself out from everyone. 

Tbh, i'm not looking forward to my birthday at all. Deep down i hate it. Because if i wasn't born then I wouldn't have to be this messed up human being, my parents wouldn't feel ashamed having a messed up daughter, my friends wouldn't have to endure my breakdown everytime, and Aliff wouldn't have to be stress to give me all the attention i wanted. Right? I kept thinking that if i'm not here then everybody would feel happy.

This few months were the worst. But I try so hard to fix myself. I literally forced myself to eat this past few days because i'm afraid i might hurt my friends' feeling if they were to bring me foods for my birthday. I tried so hard but I don't feel like anything's changed. 

And I guess I've been pretending to be strong for so long that I cried today. 

I cried at a simple message from Aliff saying "Thank you for being born". I cried because while I'm hating my entire existence, my very existence is important in someone's life.

I cried because knowing how Najwa (my housemate) always rant that she didn't know how to bake, baked a Green Tea Tiramisu for my birthday (sedap!!).

I cried because how thoughtful my jiran bawah rumah bagi Nasi Lemak (my all time favourite food) for my birthday. Having a hard time shoving down a whole plate of Nasi Lemak (najwa tak nak tolong makan!zzzzz) but managed to finish it. haha

I cried too because of Suhana's long text message updating news about her and wishing me with all the goodness and blessings upon my birthday.

I cried also because my parents always with the cheezy birthday wishes, my sister always with wishes yang selalu nak mengenakan aku (she posted my singing video this year zzzz).

And to all my friends who wish me a blessed birthday. I couldn't be any more grateful to Allah than I am now for blessings me with all these good people in my life. My life sucks, big time, and I may have pushed you guys away too many times, shutting myself out, but know that I always try to fix myself everyday and knowing that you guys are always there supporting me, cared for me, comforted me in so many ways, I can't thank you guys enough.

It's been so long since I had a good cry because I'm happy. 

Thank you so much for this wonderful birthday. You guys made my day!