It's the end of 2018.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

The very end of 2018. The 31th of December.

*take a deep breath*


*exhale*


Today marks almost 2 months free of any attacks. My mind's all good. I'm quite happy. Didnt overthink anything. Slept a lot. Like a lot................ lot. Haha its been a good year for me. 2018. A healing year.


Looking back, the biggest turn over for me in this year was meeting Aliff. I never thought of being in love before but Allah bless me with Aliff. To teach me everything. To always look on the bright side when anything happens to you, to always be positive in everything, to love, to forgive, acceptance and self love. We did faught many times though, until that one time i decided to leave him. Then, being a patient man Aliff is, he told me to look around and see and when i find all my answers then come back to him. I was stunned by that last message. Then, the next few days i spend my time praying, asked Allah to guide me in every decision i made, look around me, searching for my anwers. And Alhamdulillah, i think i found it. My answers.


Now,

Forgiveness is a strong word. And i think its one of a hard thing to do. Even me myself didnt forgive someone in my past...yet. Its really hard. Because you've been hurt. And i hurt Aliff, with my attitude, with my words. I left him. Even when i promised i wont. And when i told him i found my answers, he said "Welcome back :)" . Forgiveness and Acceptance. Not everyone can do that.


And so for this new year, I pray that Allah grant me a heart that can forgive everyone and accept them in my life again. To a positive, happy, sad-free, depress attack-free, full of blessing year ahead Insya Allah. Happy New Year everyone!! :)

Self-Reflect #2

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

5th April 2018

We were on the phone today, me and Aliff. We talked about how our day today, tomorrow's plan, about how finally there's season 3 of tokyo ghoul coming out and pretty much about everything when suddenly (i dont remember what topic started it) we came across the suicide thing.


Then Aliff said, "You jangan buat cmtu tau.....nanti i sengsara"

Im like, did he know?


After a moment of silence, i just answered him with a simple okay.



Later that night, i cant sleep. I kept thinking about what he said. ‘....Nanti i sengsara...’ and suddenly my parents faces came to mind. Will they be in pain too if im gone? I asked myself that.


All this while, i kept thinking about myself. About all my pain. About how i want it all to end. About how people around me hurt me, didnt care a bit about me, didnt love me. About how alone I am in this journey to find the light at the end of my tunnel. Little did i know i hurt many hearts while i was hurting. Everyone around me, the one that cares, the one that loves me, I shut them all out. I even abandoned Allah when He's the one that always been there for me, listen to my cries every night and blessed me with more than i deserved.

And now He even blessed me with Aliff in my life. And through Aliff i learned something today. That even when my own heart is breaking, i should be nice to other people because there's no need to break their heart too. There's a lot of people that care for you in their own way. You just have to open your heart for them, accept them and be happy. Lastly, always always always be nice to everyone around you because you never know what they're going through. And oh! Remember to smile, always forgive, help a stranger in need and always thank Allah. Let's be better together okay? Bak kata Aliff, "slow slowww~~~" haha






To everyone that i hurt. Im really really sorry. Fasj, Najwa and everyone else, Im truly sorry.

The Guilt

I’ve been awake for nearly 2 days now. Idk i just cant sleep. There’s a lot going on in my mind. Im having my mental breakdown almost everyday since 4 days ago. Idk


Recently i got into a fight with my housemate. Its all my fault. My fault for being so damn broken inside, so irritable that i snap at her that night. Its my fault. Its my fault that i cant even control my emotion anymore. Idk. I'm just too tired from my mental breakdown plus the stress with exam and all, i just cant believed i did that to her. I yelled at her. She must've been so heartbroken with my words. So heartbroken that she cant even forgive me. I dont blame her. Its my fault afterall. I understand. Its all my fault.

But this intense guilt in my chest, idk... it hurts so much. Seeing her everyday at home tortured me even more. To think that im able to hurt someone like that, scares me. And so i distanced myself from her. I didnt even make any effort to talk to her. Im scared the same thing will happen again. Im sorry. Im sorry. Im really really sorry. I just cant take it anymore. And just like that, i lost one friend. Its all because of me. Why am I like this?