You've Been Good, 2019.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

*I've been staring at this white page for hours and hours already. Too much to write yet I'm unable to express it all but I'll try. It's going to be a long ass entry. Bear with me please haha*

*Inhale*


*Exhale*


If I were to say one word about 2019, I think it would be hmm... 'Comprehend' ? or simply...... Understand. Like there's many things that i came to finally understand this year, the things i often turns a blind eye to, things that I'm aware but refuse to understand. Hmm.....something like that. And I think the most important thing about 2019 is that......... I found myself.......... Finally.


Well, it was quite a journey (2019) I must say. The start of the year was all good, then somewhere in the middle of the year I'm back to being the messed up-depressed pain in the ass human but thankfully towards the end of the year I become better. Can't quite remember what triggers me, but yeah when I wake up one fine day after one hell of a week of crying and hating myself and blaming everyone and everything, I just decided to get up and get better.


Looking back, I used to rely a lot on people. I put everything including my happiness, my hope on getting better and my reason to get better on people and so when everything's goes sideways, or when that certain people didn't reach my expectations, I crumbled back down. Then, I will blame everyone thinking that its their fault, I became like this. Followed by hating my entire existence, thinking that things would've been better if I'm gone. Truth is, no matter how good you could be to somebody, no matter how much you love them, or how they said they love you, they aren't always going to be there for you. And that in the end, all you have is yourself. And as hard as it can be, you have to learn to handle things on your own. I realized now that the key to get better came from within, from my own self.

So, what has 2019  thought me about myself?

1. That sometimes I'm the one that toxic. I admit that it's really really hard to admit your own mistakes and I also admit that I have a highhhhhhhh ego as high as the sky. So when I argued with somebody or even with Aliff, I always felt that I'm always right, like it's always the others fault and that I shouldn't say sorry at all. Then, I will wait for the other person to say sorry and talk to me first. I didn't realize this toxic trait of mine at all, until Aliff. Whenever we got into a fight, Aliff will ignored me for weeks and even a month! Haha. As Aliff was my only source of happiness, and he ignored me some more, I felt like he didn't love me. Because he always ignored me during my sad days, I always thought that Aliff didn't want the depressed me, like he only want the 'me' that always happy and not the sad 'me'. But this year, during a month period of no texting with Aliff, I came to realized that Aliff didn't actually leave me. He actually wanted me to reflect on the whole thing. Because he knows that if he were to say anything during my 'not-in-the-right-mind' state, it will angers me more and will not solve anything. So he waited until I was okay, and also until he was also okay to talk everything out. And I realized that he always think about me and understand me while I'm the one who always put the blame on him and refuse to hear and understand what he wanted to explain. So, it's a reminder first and foremost to me as well, to not be so self-righteous that you think you are greater than anyone else. Before blaming others, take a step back and reflects on yourself first okay?
2. To always look on the positive sides and always be positive regardless any circumstances you're in. I know that it's easier said than done. Me myself have been struggling a lot to think positive whenever bad things happen. I used to just let the negativity consumed me and ruined me. That's why it's been years already since I've met my psychiatrist, took medications but still I can't seem to be anywhere near better. Now, as all the saying goes, 'Time will heal'. No, it wont. Time alone if not accompanied by acceptance and effort, you will stay the same forever. So, I know it's hard, it's really hard but try, try, try and try. I know you didn't even have the heart to do anything, you just want it all to end but trust me, it will get better but YOU yourself have to initiate the first move. You can either help yourself or you can be the cause of your own downfall. Avoid telling yourself that, 'I'm not good enough', 'I'm not strong', 'I can't do this' and other negative words. YOU ARE STRONG. Keep telling yourself that you can do this, keep trying every single day, and keep feeding yourself with positive words. Always remember that your only limit is you. No matter how bad your day is, no matter how many times you break down, pick yourself right back up, get that chin up and endure the new day with open heart and positive minds.
3. Don't overthink anything (yup overthinking is my hobby). I used to overthink everything such as any slight change of tone or the way people usually talk to me or the way people react when i said something or when people suddenly ignored me. Literally everything. Sometimes, i do interpret what others tried to convey in a totally different way than what they intended. It's bad, I know. And the person who suffers the most from my overthinking shits is of course, Aliff (I'm so sorry!). So, what i've learned so far, the way to stop overthinking is to just stop thinking (does it make sense? haha). I'm kidding. The key is to just get straight to the point. So you think the way they treat you different now? Then ask them why. So you think their tone change (merajuk) because of something you said or did? Then say sorry. Ask, ask, and ask. And say sorry because back to point number 1, maybe we're the one in the wrong all along. Also, never assume anything until you hear it from their own mouth.
4. Don't expect to get treated like how you treated them. Sometimes, other people also have their own problems or bad days that cause them to behave certain ways. Just bear in your mind to always be kind and do good.
5. Make Dua. Build your faith and strengthens your relationship with Allah. Over the years, I've always blamed Allah about the things that happened to me long ago. I blamed Him because i pray every single day for Him to make me forget about it, to ease the pain i felt for so long but to no avail. Then I stop asking. I drifted away. But truth is, Allah never abandoned anyone. He's always there, He listens to every prayer. In all those years of me drifting away from His path, He has given me soooooooo much just not in terms of what I want. And that this year I realized, my prayers has been answered through Aliff. Aliff always remind me of Allah and I learned so much through Aliff. Slowly, little by little the pain in my heart lessen, and I'm more happy than I was before. Baiknya Allah kan. I know that this shouldn't come from me but bersangka baik lah selalu kat Allah. Allah tu sangat sangat baik. Eventhough how bad we are, Allah still loves you as long as you have faith with Him. So, Trust in His plans, and make Dua always okay?

Lastly, I'm so so so grateful to all the lessons i got from 2019. And I'm really looking forward to what 2020 might bring. Hopefully it will be a good year just like 2019 was. Insya Allah. Thank you 2019. You've been good.