Assalamualaikum w.b.t
So currently it's the 7th day of quarantine since i got back from Egypt. And i've been having mental breakdown as early as the 3rd day of quarantine even with Nin by my side. Imagine if i don't have Nin, it will be much worse. I must say i don't do quite well this time and today was the worst.
I tried so hard since the first day to hold myself together but today things just got really hard, i cant breathe, this heart wrenching pain that was always there just got intensified for no reason. It was really hard to get up from my bed this morning, but I try really hard to put my best face and do my morning dance workout with Nin, until I just can't pretend anymore. I cried. Kesian Nin :( she had to see me in my bad state. The side i hate anyone to see.
Every morning i woke up and look myself in the mirror, i will tell myself that i'm strong, that i can do this but today, i just can’t be positive as always, and i was literally begging myself not to break down but i failed.
I miss him. I miss Aliff. I miss my support system 😢
And as I cry, i called him. Hoping to just listen to at least a "Hello" from him to ease my pain. But he didnt pick up. Guess he hates me that much. Hm
And why i said that today was the worst?
Because i havent had any suicidal thoughts for two years plus since I have aliff but today it came back. I was literally at my lowest. I feel abandoned. I feel unwanted. I'm...lost. It hurts so much and as I stared outside my window, I thought to myself,
"Can i just jump from nin's balcony?"
I said to myself many times that ‘I can’t do this anymore’, and ‘i’m so damn tired :(’
But then I remembered how my Ibu always said she miss me and can't wait to see me after quarantine, how my sister was really excited planning to jog with me at tanjung when i get home, how my brothers kept asking when my quarantine will be over and offer to pick me up, and there's also my upin ipin niece waiting for me, and I cried even more. How sad they'll be and how shock it must be for nin if i did it. Thinking about all the people who care makes my heart breaks even more :(
I'm sorry but it's just that having Aliff made me feel alive. And now that he's gone Idk.... my life doesn't seem to have any meaning anymore. I came back to be the me before Aliff which was a depressed human being with constant thoughts of ending her own life everyday. That's why i was so scared of losing Aliff. Losing Aliff means i'm losing myself again. It was pure hell.
But don't worry, i'm trying my best here not to kill myself. I have Nin. And Nin was really sweet today, she ordered snacks for me, I was so touched that i cried in front of her (Adoi malu je).
I'm so sorry Nin :( and thank you for today!