You've Been Good, 2019.

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

*I've been staring at this white page for hours and hours already. Too much to write yet I'm unable to express it all but I'll try. It's going to be a long ass entry. Bear with me please haha*

*Inhale*


*Exhale*


If I were to say one word about 2019, I think it would be hmm... 'Comprehend' ? or simply...... Understand. Like there's many things that i came to finally understand this year, the things i often turns a blind eye to, things that I'm aware but refuse to understand. Hmm.....something like that. And I think the most important thing about 2019 is that......... I found myself.......... Finally.


Well, it was quite a journey (2019) I must say. The start of the year was all good, then somewhere in the middle of the year I'm back to being the messed up-depressed pain in the ass human but thankfully towards the end of the year I become better. Can't quite remember what triggers me, but yeah when I wake up one fine day after one hell of a week of crying and hating myself and blaming everyone and everything, I just decided to get up and get better.


Looking back, I used to rely a lot on people. I put everything including my happiness, my hope on getting better and my reason to get better on people and so when everything's goes sideways, or when that certain people didn't reach my expectations, I crumbled back down. Then, I will blame everyone thinking that its their fault, I became like this. Followed by hating my entire existence, thinking that things would've been better if I'm gone. Truth is, no matter how good you could be to somebody, no matter how much you love them, or how they said they love you, they aren't always going to be there for you. And that in the end, all you have is yourself. And as hard as it can be, you have to learn to handle things on your own. I realized now that the key to get better came from within, from my own self.

So, what has 2019  thought me about myself?

1. That sometimes I'm the one that toxic. I admit that it's really really hard to admit your own mistakes and I also admit that I have a highhhhhhhh ego as high as the sky. So when I argued with somebody or even with Aliff, I always felt that I'm always right, like it's always the others fault and that I shouldn't say sorry at all. Then, I will wait for the other person to say sorry and talk to me first. I didn't realize this toxic trait of mine at all, until Aliff. Whenever we got into a fight, Aliff will ignored me for weeks and even a month! Haha. As Aliff was my only source of happiness, and he ignored me some more, I felt like he didn't love me. Because he always ignored me during my sad days, I always thought that Aliff didn't want the depressed me, like he only want the 'me' that always happy and not the sad 'me'. But this year, during a month period of no texting with Aliff, I came to realized that Aliff didn't actually leave me. He actually wanted me to reflect on the whole thing. Because he knows that if he were to say anything during my 'not-in-the-right-mind' state, it will angers me more and will not solve anything. So he waited until I was okay, and also until he was also okay to talk everything out. And I realized that he always think about me and understand me while I'm the one who always put the blame on him and refuse to hear and understand what he wanted to explain. So, it's a reminder first and foremost to me as well, to not be so self-righteous that you think you are greater than anyone else. Before blaming others, take a step back and reflects on yourself first okay?
2. To always look on the positive sides and always be positive regardless any circumstances you're in. I know that it's easier said than done. Me myself have been struggling a lot to think positive whenever bad things happen. I used to just let the negativity consumed me and ruined me. That's why it's been years already since I've met my psychiatrist, took medications but still I can't seem to be anywhere near better. Now, as all the saying goes, 'Time will heal'. No, it wont. Time alone if not accompanied by acceptance and effort, you will stay the same forever. So, I know it's hard, it's really hard but try, try, try and try. I know you didn't even have the heart to do anything, you just want it all to end but trust me, it will get better but YOU yourself have to initiate the first move. You can either help yourself or you can be the cause of your own downfall. Avoid telling yourself that, 'I'm not good enough', 'I'm not strong', 'I can't do this' and other negative words. YOU ARE STRONG. Keep telling yourself that you can do this, keep trying every single day, and keep feeding yourself with positive words. Always remember that your only limit is you. No matter how bad your day is, no matter how many times you break down, pick yourself right back up, get that chin up and endure the new day with open heart and positive minds.
3. Don't overthink anything (yup overthinking is my hobby). I used to overthink everything such as any slight change of tone or the way people usually talk to me or the way people react when i said something or when people suddenly ignored me. Literally everything. Sometimes, i do interpret what others tried to convey in a totally different way than what they intended. It's bad, I know. And the person who suffers the most from my overthinking shits is of course, Aliff (I'm so sorry!). So, what i've learned so far, the way to stop overthinking is to just stop thinking (does it make sense? haha). I'm kidding. The key is to just get straight to the point. So you think the way they treat you different now? Then ask them why. So you think their tone change (merajuk) because of something you said or did? Then say sorry. Ask, ask, and ask. And say sorry because back to point number 1, maybe we're the one in the wrong all along. Also, never assume anything until you hear it from their own mouth.
4. Don't expect to get treated like how you treated them. Sometimes, other people also have their own problems or bad days that cause them to behave certain ways. Just bear in your mind to always be kind and do good.
5. Make Dua. Build your faith and strengthens your relationship with Allah. Over the years, I've always blamed Allah about the things that happened to me long ago. I blamed Him because i pray every single day for Him to make me forget about it, to ease the pain i felt for so long but to no avail. Then I stop asking. I drifted away. But truth is, Allah never abandoned anyone. He's always there, He listens to every prayer. In all those years of me drifting away from His path, He has given me soooooooo much just not in terms of what I want. And that this year I realized, my prayers has been answered through Aliff. Aliff always remind me of Allah and I learned so much through Aliff. Slowly, little by little the pain in my heart lessen, and I'm more happy than I was before. Baiknya Allah kan. I know that this shouldn't come from me but bersangka baik lah selalu kat Allah. Allah tu sangat sangat baik. Eventhough how bad we are, Allah still loves you as long as you have faith with Him. So, Trust in His plans, and make Dua always okay?

Lastly, I'm so so so grateful to all the lessons i got from 2019. And I'm really looking forward to what 2020 might bring. Hopefully it will be a good year just like 2019 was. Insya Allah. Thank you 2019. You've been good.

How I overcome my depression

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Well, for the last 2 days i've been sleeping my ass off. Woke up once for food and toilet and the rest ------> deep coma hahaha. I'm not depressed or anything just extremeeeee fatigue due to exam.

Today i woke up at 3 a.m. having lots and lots of energy. I started with cleaning the kitchen and then my room, then watch like 2 episodes of 'Under the dome' with Timah. Later, we all went to eat 'kambing bakar' and shop groceries at Fathallah. Uuu productive...

And the most important things, although the exam was super duper hard, im free of any mental breakdown or panic attack, so..... that makes up almost 4 months since the last scars and the last attack? Uuu i'm doing great. Without any medications at that *proud* hahaha just only some painkiller for my migraines but dont worry, of course in a safe dose hahahaha

So, im not totally healed or whatever, sometimes i do isolated myself in my dark room, sometimes i do cried but i'm self-harm free for 4 months already yeayyy!! And just like how im slowly slowly getting better, i want all of you with the same condition as I am to get better.

How I overcome my depression? 

Its not a simple journey. Over the years i tried tons and tons of method but I end up throwing it away after an attack comes. But every damn times, i get up and try new things, thats just how committed I am to BE better haha

2013 : This was my  PASUM (foundation) year. The shittiest year no not the shittiest maybe second or third shittiest? Haha this was my second year with depression, (the very first year was when i did the very first suicide attempt, but of course I was so young and I didnt know the word depression yet, i just want my life to end)  And so my ex decided to cheat on me in my most fragile state, when I was struggling real hard to cope with my mental health. It takes 3 months for me to get back on my feet of course with lots of crying, and another attempt. I didnt go to class, I failed my exams, I cant concentrate, I cant sleep, I didnt eat, I thought im going to die but suddenly one day I got up, and i ran around UM. As I ran i cried real hard, then i fell down, I scratched my knee and there's this sudden ease in the pain in my heart. This was the day I learned about self harm, inflicting one pain to erase the other pain. But im not telling you that this was the tips to overcome depression. This only makes it worst. You dont want scars, TRUST ME. Having it will only remind you of the pain in your past everytime you see it.

Alright so the things that help me overcome 2013 was having friends. With them, I started to do fun things like playing in Mid Valley's arcade and all, it was good eventhough i had to forced a smile and make jokes just to blend in but it was a good start. Surround yourself with good people is a good thing. I know its hard because at that time i dont really have the heart to socialize but try. It helps.


2014 : This was the first year i arrived Egypt so nothing much is going on just trying to adapt with the environment. Quite busy with the orientation things so kind of keep my depressed self at bay. Yup, I think thats number 2, keep yourself busy so you didnt overthink!


2015 : I think this was the year i bought a GUITAR. Learning to play guitar was super fun. I loveeeeeeee playing it. I didnt have any attack for like a year and a half due to this. Plus I have a pianist (Timah) and a vocalist (Shepa). Having friends that into the same crazy idea as you makes it double the fun hahaha. Until it was late 2016, in November i think when suddenly i got the attack again. Because it was 1 year and a half since the last one so it was quite severe and I almost like literally almost almost almost really almost end my life. This marks the day i lost my faith in Allah, and live my life like some sort of a puppet. I dont even have the will to get better anymore. I lost my interest in playing guitar, i hate the fact that i have to pretend in front of my friends, i hate to smile, i hate to laugh, idk i just hate everything. I only have this insaneeee thoughts of ending my life.


2017 : The beginning of 2017 was not good as im not looking forward to anything since November 2016, but during this time, I have Suhana with me. She makes sure i didnt do anything stupid again. Also I have Timah who constantly barge in my room and that makes me scared to try anything stupid. I think it was in late 2017 that out of nowhere i decided to seek medical help. Oh I remember, it was after i saw Aida Azlin's video on twitter i think. Seeing someone with that strong faith towards Allah, and how she always smile sincerely and always think positively of what happens in her life was what triggered me to meet my psychiatrist. Seeing Aida makes me wonder what its like to have such a strong faith, and that maybe just maybe it is what i lacked? that maybe if i try to build my faith towards Allah, then i will be happy again?

So first step off, I met Dr Salwa. Told her everything about me, showed her all my scars, asked her if there's any way to make me avoid self harm, and finally know my diagnosis.


2018 : Then i decided to try the next method........ Build your faith towards Allah. I dont know about anyone else but seeing people like Aida Azlin, really moves something in my heart. Then it makes me think about all those years when people told me, "cuba try solat" everytime i had an attack. I used to feel angry at them and hate them for it because i want them to listen to me and not talk about solat or anything. But seriously guys, I tried it. On one night when i cried heavily, i pray. I asked humbly to Allah to make this sadness, this pain go away and to help me get better. And it actually help. I feel calm after that. But to be consistent in this path requires hard work and till this days, im still trying really hard.

The next things that help me in 2018 was........... TRAVELLING!! And SHOPPING!! I went to Turkey and Greece during winter break and it really helps to clear my mind off things for the time being. And also I met Aliff in Turkey.

Now, being in love can either help you or ruin you depending on how you percept things in your relationship. Aliff has started working this year and has been busy ever since. So his time with me pretty much only good morning and good night. So, I felt neglected and instead of trying to understand his conditions, i throw tantrums, being emotional all the time, thinking that Aliff has someone else, or he didnt love me anymore and all other negative things. Well this is where i went wrong and almost lose Aliff and even myself. Relationship requires hard work, especially in a long distance relationship like me and Aliff. Understanding, patience and trust are very important plus you have to always think positively of your loved ones. Only that we're okay now i realised that Aliff is actually another version of Aida Azlin for me (Aida Azlin versi garang hahaha). He brings out the best in me, always support me, comfort me, 'layan all my hambarness', and the one that never give up on me no matter what. So i would say that being in love is actually quite good for my mental health. I guess. Hahaha


2019 : This year, there's a lot of things i want to try. For start up, I do my own bullet journal. And this was my next tips which is WRITING. I first started this blog in 2013 after the above mentioned attack. During that time i was so ashamed having depression and i didnt have anyone to talk to. So I just created this blog, and write anything that I want. It really helps because after you write all your sadness and everything, you feel like a burden's being lifted off your chest. So this year i find that doing bullet journal is quite interesting. You can do some scribble, decoration and play with colors. It is also good because writing in blog requires internet connection and sometimes when i dont have a good internet connection i can just write it in my journal. So far im liking it and as i said —> already 4 months free of any attacks!! Hehe. The next thing i currently started like a few days ago was READING! I used to like reading books in my primary school and stop because i got a phone haha so i wanted to start reading again.

The book i currently read is 'Reasons To Stay Alive' by Matt Haig. I only read a few pages but I can say that he's done a good job in expressing depression. I strongly agree when he said that "by reading about other people who have suffered, survived and overcome despair I have felt comforted. It has given me hope". Reading his book has already given me hope. Hope that there's actually a light at the end of the tunnel, that i can finally be happy again. Well, this is just my opinion but do give this book a try. Not only to those with depression only but family or close friends can also read it to understand your loved ones better, Insya Allah.

Lastly, I'm hoping that this entry can be of any good to anyone, take note that depression is different in everyone, the way we cope might be different but always try, even if it is hard, even if you didnt have the heart to do it but try. Always try. And may we all be better one fine day, Insya Allah :)

Self-reflect #3

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

Secrets.

Well im pretty sure everyone have their own secrets that they cant share with just anyone. Me too. I have tons of it. Dark secrets of my past, present and i dont know maybe future?


*sigh*


I normally dont share my secrets with anyone, even with my own bestfriends bcs i dont know, after what happened in my past, i dont trust people easily (including my family) and the fact that it can be leaked to everyone scares me the most. Same goes with if anyone told me their secrets or even if i found out accidently, i didnt tell anyone about it. Because i want them to do the same to me.


But if one day i told you about my secrets or my past then it means that i really really really really really trust you. (Note that its really hard for me to talk about my past) I put my whole trust in you. My whole trust. I trust you not to tell any soul about it, or judge me or anything. It means that i feel connected to you of some sort. 


Suhana is that one friend i trust with my whole life. Having my past haunting me and torment me really drives me to end my life and she was there, making sure I survived through every attempts, comfort me in every attacks. And for that, Im always grateful to Allah for giving me such a good friend in my time of need. And Suhana knows literally all my secrets. The reason why i've been diagnosed with MDD, about my family, she knows it all. Having someone to share your problems, someone to talk to, someone that knows, really comfort me.


And with Suhana in Malaysia, sometimes i opened up to my friends here hoping that there's another Suhana right here in Egypt but to no avail. Some do knows about my depression and support me. And there’s also that one time i opened up to someone because i thought that that someone knows what im feeling but i dont know anymore. Somehow i regret telling ‘that someone’ about my problems. But its already done. And this is where i went wrong. Telling wrong people about my problems. Now, i cant stop overthink about it. Yeayyy haha


But nah, i dont blame ‘that someone’. We're human after all. And in the first place, it was my decision to open up to ‘that someone’ so i have to accept any consequences. Through this i learn to always always always rely on Allah for everything, be it with secrets or anything. Because He's always there. He always listen to you. So its okay if you're struggling with these many secrets in your life, its okay if you have a dark past that haunted you, its okay if you didnt have your own 'Suhana' to share your problems with or to share your secrets with, because you still have Allah.


And sometimes, talking to Allah is all you really need....