Assalamualaikum w.b.t
Well im pretty sure everyone have their own secrets that they cant share with just anyone. Me too. I have tons of it. Dark secrets of my past, present and i dont know maybe future?
*sigh*
I normally dont share my secrets with anyone, even with my own bestfriends bcs i dont know, after what happened in my past, i dont trust people easily (including my family) and the fact that it can be leaked to everyone scares me the most. Same goes with if anyone told me their secrets or even if i found out accidently, i didnt tell anyone about it. Because i want them to do the same to me.
But if one day i told you about my secrets or my past then it means that i really really really really really trust you. (Note that its really hard for me to talk about my past) I put my whole trust in you. My whole trust. I trust you not to tell any soul about it, or judge me or anything. It means that i feel connected to you of some sort.
Suhana is that one friend i trust with my whole life. Having my past haunting me and torment me really drives me to end my life and she was there, making sure I survived through every attempts, comfort me in every attacks. And for that, Im always grateful to Allah for giving me such a good friend in my time of need. And Suhana knows literally all my secrets. The reason why i've been diagnosed with MDD, about my family, she knows it all. Having someone to share your problems, someone to talk to, someone that knows, really comfort me.
And with Suhana in Malaysia, sometimes i opened up to my friends here hoping that there's another Suhana right here in Egypt but to no avail. Some do knows about my depression and support me. And there’s also that one time i opened up to someone because i thought that that someone knows what im feeling but i dont know anymore. Somehow i regret telling ‘that someone’ about my problems. But its already done. And this is where i went wrong. Telling wrong people about my problems. Now, i cant stop overthink about it. Yeayyy haha
But nah, i dont blame ‘that someone’. We're human after all. And in the first place, it was my decision to open up to ‘that someone’ so i have to accept any consequences. Through this i learn to always always always rely on Allah for everything, be it with secrets or anything. Because He's always there. He always listen to you. So its okay if you're struggling with these many secrets in your life, its okay if you have a dark past that haunted you, its okay if you didnt have your own 'Suhana' to share your problems with or to share your secrets with, because you still have Allah.
And sometimes, talking to Allah is all you really need....
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